


Harry Potter and the Bro Code

by losthpfanficwriter (erbkaiser)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/M, Mild sexual situations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-22
Updated: 2013-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-14 15:08:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14771970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erbkaiser/pseuds/losthpfanficwriter
Summary: Thou Shalt Not be with any Girl not allowed by the Bro Code.





	1. Chapter 1

 

'Oi Harry, read this,' shouted a slightly buzzed Seamus Finnigan as he tossed a Muggle men's magazine over to Harry's bed. The five Gryffindor boys had managed to smuggle some Butter-beers and Fire Whiskey up to their dorm room following the Quidditch victory party that won them the Quidditch cup in their sixth year.

 

Harry took the magazine, and blushed heavily as the inexperienced wizard saw his first naked women.

 

'Err guys, is this okay for me to read?'

 

'Blimey mate, you never had a wank before?' said the ever-blunt Ron Weasley.

 

'Of course I have,' bit back Harry. He turned the page, red-faced, and found an article. 'That should be safer,' he thought.

 

' _ The Bro Code _ ', read the title.

 

_'Live By The Code, Die By The Code..._

_**Me, Myself, and I** _

_A set of rules meant to be a guideline to live by between Bro's. The rules began as unwritten rules to follow but because they haven't been followed properly and for some men they needed to be spelled out in bold print._

 

_ 1\.  **Bros before hoes.** _

_ 2\.  **Thou shalt not sleep with your Bro’s ex-girlfriend.** _

_ 3\.  **Never drink the last beer, unless you have been granted specific permission that it is OK** _

_ 4\.  **If a girl falls into the following criteria, she is off limits forever until the end of time** : _

_A. Was an ex-girlfriend._

_B. Your Bro specifically told you he wanted her._

_C. Is your Bro's sister._

_However, if it's your Bro's cousin, well she's up for grabs, and you're welcome to rub it in his face for years to come._

_ 5\.  **Never diss a Bro if his team just lost a crushing game.** ' _

 

' _ Interesting, _ ' Harry thought.

'Guys, this bro code thing... is that real?'

 

'Oh'cou'se Harry!' slurred a now pretty drunk Ron. 'You  _ never _ break the Bro code.'

 

'Hell yeah mates! Bro code for life!' yelled of all people Neville, as he passed out on Dean Thomas' bed. Dean just pushed him over the edge, and nodded in his own reply.

 

'You see,' began Harry carefully, 'the reason I ask is –'

 

'I got ya mate! Oi Seamus you Irish git! Throw Harry there the last beer would you?' yelled Ron almost incoherently in reply, and passed out.

 

As Harry sipped his beer, he considered the rule. He was an idiot, he decided. Cho was clearly off-limits because of #4A, Hermione because of #4B (and her being a total bitch this year), and Ginny... despite the rather steamy kiss... was clearly in #4C.

The next morning  would  not  be  pretty.

 

'Ginny, listen...' he said very quietly that morning, as the buzz of the morning Common Room conversation grew louder around them and people began to leave for breakfast.

'I can't be involved with you any more. We've got to stop seeing each other. We can't be together.'

 

Ginny said, with an oddly twisted smile. 'It's for some stupid, noble reason, isn't it?  
'Oh Harry, I don't care about Voldemort or what his followers may think. I know you want to be out there fighting Voldemort, maybe that's why I like you so much.'

 

That floored Harry.

 

'Maybe that's why I like you so much? Dammit Gin-Gin, I thought you grew over your infatuation with the Boy-who-Lived finally.

'If that's how you think, it's all the more reason we can never be together.'

 

Harry walked off, not caring about the hurt, then angry look in Ginny's eyes, or the gossip that started up. He just barely missed being hexed by Ginny's signature bat-bogey hex when Hermione grabbed the young red-head's arm.

 

'Oh Ginny, I don't know what got into him. I'll talk to him,' she said, trying to calm the fire cracker down.

 

'I know  _ exactly _ what got into his stupid head!

'RONALD BLOODY BILIUS WEASLEY, get your lazy arse down here!'

 

Ron, thinking he heard his mother bellow, rushed down the stairs, only to be met by the glowing tip of Ginny's wand.

 

'What. Did. You. Tell. Harry. Last. Night.'

 

'Huh? Gin-Gin? Wha –'

 

' _ Mucus ad Nauseam _ !' the enraged spitfire yelled, and snot bats began attacking Ron's face, who ran howling back up the stairs.

 

'Oh Seamus... anything to tell me?' Ginny focused on her next target.

 

'Oh damn.' Seamus was not the brightest bulb in the box, but he was not an idiot.

'It must have been the bro code... oh damn, oh damn, oh damn...'

 

Meanwhile Harry had made it to the breakfast table.

 

' __ Romilda Vane? Nah, she's even more of a fan girl than Ginny ever was, even if she does have spectacular tits for her age.  
Susan Bones? Best tits in Hogwarts. Maybe last year, but she's been so sad since her aunt died, I don't need a repeat of Hosepipe Cho.  
Parvati or Padma... maybe I can get both? Nah they've been angry with me since I was such a fool at the Yule Ball.  '

 

Harry continued scanning the female half of the Hogwarts populace present at breakfast, mentally comparing them.

_'Daphne Greengrass? She'd curse first, kiss later... same goes for Tracey. No Slytherins then.'_

 

Suddenly his field of vision was blocked when a nicely shaped pair of boobs pressed against his face.

 

'Luna! What in Merlin's name are you doing?'

 

'Oh hello Harry Potter,' began the  reality-denying blonde.  'You are suffering from an acute infestation of wrackspurts, so I decided to help you out my smothering them to death.'

 

' _ Damn she does look good... and was a lot of fun at Slughorn's party _ ,' Harry thought. ' _ She's also fair game according to the brocode... _ '  


'Erm Luna, do you want to –'

 

'Not until after the third date Harry, even if I do think your basilisk would fit nicely in my Chamber of Secrets,' replied the blonde.

 

'Not that!' squeaked Harry. 'Do you want to, maybe, go out some time?'

 

'Of course Harry, how else can we get to our  _ third _ date? It's a good thing you have such a smart girlfriend,' she replied, beaming at him.

 

The fact that Harry Potter was now going out with Luna Lovegood seemed to interest a great number of people, most of them girls, yet Harry found himself newly and happily impervious to gossip over the next few weeks.

 

And Luna proved to be  _ very prophetic _ after their third date.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick cathartic story, I needed to get a particularly bad Harry/Ginny fic that began very promising out of my mind.
> 
> Bro Code courtesy of bebo dot com.
> 
> The story is set exactly at the end of chapter 24 of Half-Blood Prince, that is between pages 499 and 500 in my adult edition of the book.


	2. The Bro Code, extended

 

Harry Potter had been dating Luna a month now.  
Luna was very odd, but kept him very happy. They had gone on several dates, and if he thought the aftermath of the third date was great, the fourth, fifth, and sixth dates made him consider the English language lacked proper words to describe just how fantastic it was to date someone who seemed to lack body shyness, was extremely limber, and had memorized a book that rhymed with Lama Neutra.

 

Ginny Weasley had not taken the break up well, and she had been caught trying to curse both him and Luna several times. To her great shock, she found that school rules applied to  _ her _ as well, and she spent several evenings in detention.  
Those evenings tended to be the ones where Luna joined him in the Gryffindor Common Room.

 

The one downside – or upside, depending on he looked at it – was the he hardly spent time with his 'friends' Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley any more.  
Ron was still busy trying to inhale as much of Lavender Brown's face every time he was not busy inhaling food, and Hermione was too busy watching Ron with a forlorn look on her face.

 

Although he  _ had _ noticed that the bushy-haired witch recently seemed to spend about as much time watching him and Luna, whenever they were canoodling in the Gryffindor Common Room.

 

One Friday, Hermione walked up to him as he was cuddling with Luna on the sofa.

 

'Harry... why exactly did you break up with Ginny?'

 

'Oh, that's simple Hermione. It's the Bro Code.'

 

'The what?'

 

'Here, I have a copy,' he handed over a short peace of parchment with the five rules written on them. Harry was not thinking straight, as Luna was wriggling on his lap in a very distracting manner.

 

Hermione glanced it over, 'What does this have to do with you dumping Ginny?'

 

'Simple Hermione. Ginny is Ron's sister. Ron is my bro. It's the same reason why you and I would never work, you belong to my bro,' Harry said, his attention fully on Luna.

 

'I belong to –' Hermione spluttered, then continued in a sweet tone. 'Harry, which  _ bro _ of yours told you I belong to him?'

 

All the alarm bells should have been ringing in Harry's ears by now, but Luna had snuck her hand in his shirt and her finger were now playing with his lower stomach, which evidently served to shut the alarms down.

 

'Oh, Ron. He told everyone of us you were his girl back when we ran the D.A..  You and I could never work out anyway, as I am with Luna now.'

 

'Thank you Harry,' Hermione said in a sickly sweet tone, as stood up and left the two love-birds to their make out session.  
She made her way over to the other end of the Common Room, where the single guys andgirls in their year tended to congregate. With them sat Ron, he had been snogging Lavender most of the night but had temporarily escaped her lips and rejoined the singles pack.

 

Seamus saw Hermione stamp over, and elbowed Dean, who warned Neville, 'Time to split, guys... Mount Granger is about to explode.'

 

' _ Won-won _ , do you really want me?' began the bushy-haired witch, fluttering her eye lashes.  
  
'Mione? You finally saw that you had one hot hunk waiting for you? Pucker up baby,' the red-haired idiot smiled at her, and closed his eyes and leaned in for a kiss.

 

_ Slap! _ went Hermione's hand, in a good repeat of the infamous slap Malfoy had once received.

 

'For your information  _ Ronald _ , I was not, am not, and shall never be  _ yours _ ,' Hermione angrily huffed. 'And furthermore –'

 

'Hermione, mind if I take over?' said an equally angry Lavender. 'I think my  _ ex-boyfriend _ and I need to have a chat.'

 

A panicking Ron was dragged to a corner, over which the ever helpful Hermione cast a silencing spell.

 

'Seamus, a full copy of this so-called Bro Code,  _ now _ ,' demanded Hermione of the Irish wizard. Seamus scrambled to his dorm room, and came back down with a long roll of parchment.

 

Hermione did what she did best, study. She immediately noticed that Seamus' copy differed from Harry's brief list in that it was both longer and several rules were written differently, but all of Harry's five rules were there.  
Then she read some particularly interesting ones.

 

__ 27\. If you ever go with two girls, make sure they know nothing about each other.  
28\.  Exception: i t is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining every guys dream (threesome with two girls). Any girls, including those otherwise off-limits, are allowed as long as:  
A.  neither is currently the girlfriend of a nother bro  
B.  neither is your  own  sister. That is just sick, bro.  
29\. Any Bro who has a girl wishing to introduce another girl to the bed, should be thanking God for her and not waste the opportunity.

 

Hermione tracked down Luna on her own the next morning at breakfast. Harry had had a 'special study' with the Headmaster, and was sleeping in.

 

'Luna, do you have a moment for me in private?'

 

'You can have a moment, as soon as I figure out how to remove one,' replied Luna. 'I do not know how to get one in private though, most of my moments seem to be followed by others immediately.'

 

Already Hermione's head was beginning to hurt.

 

'No, I mean, can we speak, where there are just the two of us?'

 

'I am certain we can, Hermione Granger,' replied Luna, and went back to eating.

 

Hermione looked on bewildered, then saw a slight smile on Luna's lips. ' _ She's messing with me! _ ' she thought, and offering Luna her hand, she took her to one of the many abandoned classrooms nearby.

 

'Luna, I want to talk with you about Harry,' Hermione carefully began.

 

'He likes it when you lick his left ear lobe during sex,' replied Luna.

 

Hermione filed that interesting tidbit away for later, 'Not that – at least not yet, Luna. Tell me, are you aware with the so-called Bro Code?'

 

'Is that the plot by the Rotfang conspiracy to take over former Minister Fudge's army of Heliotropes?''

 

'What? No. Read this,' Hermione blinked in reply, handing Luna her own copy of the list. Entr ies 28 and  2 9 were highlighted,  and the latter rule was underlined, twice.

 

'No Bro shall ever tell another Bro “I love you”, except when drunk?' I did not know that one, thank you Hermione,' said the blonde. 'Now shall we go wake up our boyfriend? He does enjoy my breasts in the morning.'

 

'Luna please do pay attention!' exclaimed a tired Hermione. 'I am sure your breasts are great but really don't want to talk about that now. Did you read the rule I underlined – wait a sec.'  
Her brain finally caught up to her mouth. 'Our boyfriend?'

 

'You agree to share with Harry? My Hermione, I love you!' Luna wrapped her arms around the older witch, and kissed her deeply on the mouth.

 

Hermione was frozen in shock, but at Luna's tongue's insistent probing, she opened her own mouth, and soon they were snogging heavily. Then Luna cut off the snog, causing Hermione to sigh slightly in protest.

 

'Hmmm, strawberry,' said a flustered Luna, as she licked her lips. 'You give the most wonderful kisses Hermione, I am certain Harry will love kissing you as much as I do.  
'You can kiss our boyfriend awake while I climb under the covers.'

 

Hermione had just had her first real snog, her previous kisses had been chaste kisses to the cheek (mostly her parents or, occasionally, Harry), and a single kiss on the lips from Krum the previous year. She was just sitting there, staring into nothingness, and running her own tongue slightly over her lips.  
Luna tasted of... bananas? Yes, that must have come from the banana split Luna had somehow been eating at breakfast.

 

It took a little more prompting, but eventually Luna managed to drag her new girlfriend over to her boyfriend's bed room.

 

Harry woke up to the pleasant sensation of Luna's skilled mouth waking up Little Harry, but at the same time felt an impatient tongue trying to enter his mouth. After a good snog of a minute or two, his brain registered that A) Luna usually could only use one mouth at the same time, and B) Luna was a more skilled kisser, and finally C) Luna did not taste like strawberries.  
He opened his eyes, and saw not just the by-now familiar sight of Luna's head bobbing in his lap, but also a rather glassy- eyed Hermione leaning partially over him, her lips swollen from the deep snog they had just had.

 

'Hmm hmming Hmmy,' hummed Luna, then released him with a  _ pop _ and a slurp.

'Morning lover. Hermione dear here introduced me to the Bro Code, so we're now both your girlfriends.'  
She crawled up Harry's body, snuggling against him, then spotted Hermione.  
'Oh my, she's  got an Umgubular Slashkilter all over her. Quickly Harry, help me get her out of her clothes, the Slashkilters like to use to constrain their victims.'

 

Well trained to follow his – first – girlfriend's commands, Harry happily complied.

 

The trio missed all their classes that day, and when they showed up at dinner, Harry and his loves found themselves the focus of gossip throughout Hogwarts.  
Not that they cared... they were the happiest they had ever been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for a die-hard Lunar Harmonian. My first attempt at lemony content... not quite there yet I think.

**Author's Note:**

> Imported from Harry Potter Fanfic Archive. Apologies for any bad formatting.


End file.
